Blame it on the Patron

I’m blame a lot on Patron right now. I’m on a strict no Patron policy for the foreseeable future until I can trust myself again. Regardless, I’m back. Possibly because I’m tired of people asking me why I’m not writing anymore. Possibly because I know I have to do something other than read the Twilight books, eat Chinese food, bake cupcakes, hang out with gay guys and Feng Shui my apartment. See what happens to me when I’m going through football and hockey withdrawals AND dealing with a broken heart? Ridiculousness ensues. Having said that, I’m still cranky. So I’d like to complain about all the things I find wrong with sports during the summer months (including the two months we just lived through):

1. The Lakers. Ugh. Their fans ANNOY ME. Most of all, and I’ve mentioned this before, the traffic they cause during playoffs is the bane of my existence in Los Angeles for however many weeks it takes them to end their season…I pray to God for early elimination. Oh but that’s right, they’re not the Mavericks.  Anyway, I know LA traffic sucks balls every other day of the year. But game day traffic makes my commute home even more unbearable than it already is. Because all these rich ass h0les who live up in the valley are the epitome of fair weather fans and only go to games when 90% of ticket prices are in the triple digits. Between the income loss of the writers’ strike and the cost of the Lakers parade and now the Michael Jackson Memorial…I think I saw the Mayor of Los Angeles selling cherries on a street corner. Every penny counts these days, I hear.

2. Stupid playoff songs. I mean, really? The birthday sex song is painfully lame enough as is, inserting a team name and additional mentally challenged verses into it isn’t going to make it better. Just saying.

3. The NHL playoffs. It never fails that whoever wins the Stanley Cup, I lose. I need to just give up thinking there will be a team in the playoffs that I can cheer for through all four rounds. My taste in teams is much like my taste in guys. They’re amazing during the regular season when it’s all fun, games, drinking and screwing around…but when it comes to playoffs and the time to get serious and committed? Forget about it. It’s just MUCH easier for them to watch it all go down from a distance or on the golf course. Apparently the Stanley Cup and I aren’t worth extra effort. But on a lighter note, we both love champagne!

Now having said that, what was a loss for me was actually quite a gain for the NHL (and a total wet dream come true for Gary Bettman). The Detroit Red Wings playing The Second Coming of Jesus (and oh yeah the rest of the Penguins) in a game 7 on a Friday night on network television. I’d love to know how many times Bettman had to dry an eye or change his pants.

4. OTAs. More like WTFs. It’s like weeks of hot and heavy foreplay knowing you’re not getting any real action for THREE MORE MONTHS. It’s excruciating. Cock teases, much? And what’s that you say? Roy Williams had a few good catches today? GREAT, he’s good at a little over the shirt action, but talk to me again when the clothes come off. Don’t even get me started on the Cowboys draft this year. The sexual analogies I can make with that aren’t very ladylike. And my parents might be reading this. (Mom, Dad…sorry, it’s just my writing).

5. Baseball. I tried it. Turns out I just don’t care. And what’s the point of even trying to care before the all-star break? SERIOUSLY? I’ll go to a Dodger game any day of the week (or a Rangers game if I was home), drink too much beer and have a hot dog…but don’t make me watch on TV and for the love of all that’s holy, don’t make me log into my fantasy team. Cause I stopped doing that almost two months ago. Trying to figure out why no one has asked to trade for my good players yet, actually.

6. The Stars losing their collective minds…again. Since I looked at the Kings two seasons before this last one and thought to myself “hey, THERE is the type of coach I want on my team!”

Ah, I feel better now.

 

So you can be living it up

This is not the type of workday I need to be distracted. However, the following good (nay, SPECTACULAR) news came to me via a tweet from Martellus Bennett of all people. Which is bananas. And something tells me you’d be nothing less than disappointed should I not say something.

Readers, this round of dirty martinis is on me.

Dallas signs Austin, Coleman, Hannah

Cowboys re-sign wide receiver Miles Austin

No idea who those other two fools are, but it’s whatever, the more the merrier. Maybe this will help me sleep better, something needs to. Cause I’m about to hurt someone.

 

Every little thing you do

A few weeks ago I was at dinner with a large-ish group of friends. The  conversation was all over the place, which is fine, as my head follows nothing less than random. At some point, we started discussing what our various quirks are. That convo took place late on a Thursday night, by Friday afternoon the only thing I could come up with was I think I look retarded in overly girly earrings and I refuse to eat veal and lamb. LAME.

Somewhere around the same time, a reader posted a comment that started out with “Miles Austin? Really?!” So that got me thinking – and not about Miles Austin, ass holes…

Lucky charms

Sports quirks. Quirks of the sports fan. (By the way, I’ve reached the point where I’ve typed quirk so much it looks like the weirdest word EVER). We all have rituals and superstitions, as all die hard fans do. Because I’m mentally challenged, there were two songs I listened to every time I headed to Santa Monica to watch a game with the Cowboys group – “Gimme More” by Brit Brit and “A Milli” by Lil Wayne. True story, cause why exactly would I make that up? In addition, I have a necklace with The Star on it, the first game I forgot to wear it? We not only took our first loss, we lost to the Redskins. Ew. But superstitions aren’t really quirks, they’re more like examples of our retardedness and how we’ve convinced ourselves a team’s ability to win or lose is dependent upon what color of underwear we wear (or whether we wear underwear at all…wait, what?).

Per my response to the aforementioned reader’s comment, I realized I have a Crazy Little Sports Quirk(ish). Ready for this? I don’t favoritize (did I just make that word up?) players that everyone else does. Meaning, I will move on to my next favorite player once one becomes too popular. Hence the constant question of “Miles Austin? Really?!” I became a Marion Barber fan three years ago when he fell onto my first fantasy team. I bought my white Barber jersey two years ago, my blue Barber jersey last year. Then I went to a game in Dallas. It was like the number 24 had staged an attack on Texas Stadium.  I can’t be having that. I’d already taken a liking to young Miles during Hard Knocks and was keeping an eye on his performance (dirty). So I thought, well, WHY NOT?! So I ordered my custom Austin jersey and as of right now, I’m going to take a guess that there aren’t TOO many out there. I have a suspicion that won’t last long, however. Blurgh. Anyhow, I’ve always been this way, I was even worse with hockey. I worshiped the ground Mike Modano walked on, until he blew the f*ck up, became Mr. Dallas and I was like, okay, not cool anymore – we’re done. I went onto Jamie Langenbrunner. Same thing happened, had to break up with him as well (and then he went and got himself traded to the Devils, he was so heartbroken). Then I picked an absolutely not really known outside of the fans of the teams he played for player in Petr Buzek. I OWNED that number one fan spot and almost ran with it right  into the loony bin (or into a restraining order).

This leads me to admit that some may question my reasoning behind picking favorite players. I don’t pick players for why a lot of people probably THINK I do. I look for potential and I look for heart. I like ‘em when they still play for the love of the game…when they’re still up and coming. So, you can have your mass produced Romo and Witten jerseys. Make fun of me all you want, fools, I’m okay being a crazy with an Austin jersey.

 

Tell me you’ll stay

I was determined to remain somewhat silent on this topic. However, I’m getting bombarded and a good 60-70% of my

What's the greater risk?

traffic is driven by those who google Miles Austin. And you might have noticed…I’M A FAN. Anyhow, Dallas media is abuzz right now regarding Austin’s visit to the Jets. After selectively discussing this, I realized this is my blog and I might as well say what I want and think. So here’s my actually credible, intelligent opinion on the situation, as opposed to whining like a 6 year-old who might lose her favorite toy.

This is all about leverage. Jerry Jones cannot keep his mouth closed – Dallas learned that before he officially bought the damn team. If he’d not sent verbal I heart Miles Austin love notes throughout the media and gabbed that he wouldn’t have let T.O. go if we didn’t have Austin – we’d not be talking about this. I’d still just be bitching about his “unsigned” status. However, Austin’s agent is doing what agents do best – being a dick. You  know he read that crud Jerry said and saw dollar signs. Jerry announced Miles’s potential value to the world, therefore, the agent thinks Jerry should prove it and put out. We’ve seen this game a trillion times.

After reading everything my eyes could get a hold of, Cowboy country seems to be split on the subject. Some say let him go and take the 2nd round pick, some say Miles is worth the money. I’m not retarded, I know they’d be taking a chance either way. If they let him go, they’d almost HAVE to take a wideout. Right now they’re sitting in a position to just take the best player available (even though I think we have specific needs). History has shown great receivers can come from the 2nd round, however, IN MY OPINION, that’s taking a bigger risk than fighting for a player you’ve nurtured for three years. A player who has showed great potential, finally has the chance to prove himself since there isn’t a diva holding his position down and as one commenter on DMN put it best, a player who (last season) turned out to be “our most productive WR in relation to opportunities given”

You can argue the knee injury all you want. But Miles is the complete athlete. I’ve no doubt he’ll live in a hyperbaric chamber if it means being the Cowboys 2nd receiver.

 

On top of books: Playing for Pizza

Parmesan cheesy...GET IT?

I am introducing a new category to CLSL Ludacrisly called  “On top of books”. Obviously, there are a plethora of sports related books out there, from fact to fiction, and from time to time I pick one up. I’m currently in the midst of reading “Boys Will Be Boys” as you know. However, towards the end of 2008 I picked up “Playing for Pizza” by John Grisham heading out of LAX. My grandfather died on Veteran’s Day, from the time I found out, to booking my flight, to getting on the plane was less than 24 hours. I was a bit of a wreck, as it was my first grandparent to pass away. So naturally, I frantically skizzed to the airport sans reading material. I hopped over to the used section at the bookstore in my terminal and came across this book, when really I was actually looking for a trashy romance novel (which I never read…however, one of my besties told me there’s a trashy romance novelist out there who pens books including football and hockey players…STAY TUNED, FOLKS).

Up until the Stars moved to Dallas and my whole world became hockey and I decided I was going to be a sports journalist, I actually wanted to be a lawyer. Therefore, there’s not many older Grisham novels I’ve not read or movies I’ve not seen. When I saw “Playing for Pizza” on the store shelf, I was like, well this doesn’t look lawyery…and turns out? IT WAS ABOUT THE FOOTBALL. Specifically about an American football league in Italy.

This is an excerpt from Publisher Weekly’s synopsis via Amazon:

Third-string Cleveland Browns quarterback Rick Dockery becomes the greatest goat ever by throwing three interceptions in the closing minutes of the AFC championship game. Fleeing vengeful fans, he finds refuge in the grungiest corner of professional football, the Italian National Football League as quarterback of the inept but full-of-heart Parma Panthers. What ensues is a winsome football fable, replete with team bonding and character-building as the underdog Panthers challenge the powerhouse Bergamo Lions for a shot at the Italian Superbowl.

And yes, Browns + AFC Championship gave me pause as well. Quickly followed by “ohhhh, right…FICTION.” However, let’s face it…Cowboys + NFC Championship = FICTION as well.

This book sounds cheesy (Parmesan cheesy…HA!) and TRUST ME, it is. But it’s like a grown up version of Little Giants with lots of wine and ridiculously delicious sounding Italian food. And my imagination casted Josh Duhamel as Rick, which was rather nice and quite acceptable.  And actually, turns out Phoenix Pictures has picked it up, so hey…Phoenix Pictures, you’re welcome for the suggestion. Anyhow, at the end of the week,  this quick little read was a refreshing escape from what I was going through. All the wine and tequila I consumed MIGHT have helped as well.

 

And that’s all I need

As I sit here staring at my fantasy baseball team, I can’t help but think – damn, was I THIS lost and ridiculously confused when I started fantasy football? Imma go with NO, not so much. Being raised in Texas is synonymous with being raised on football. So even though I had a lot of learning to do when it came to playing fantasy (and there’s still plenty of room for improvement, but I’m already a mid-level rock star at it, if I do say so), I wasn’t absolutely clueless in the beginning.

Like I am now. With baseball. Basically I feel like…a girl. And I need to make it stop. Right now, it’s a bunch of numbers and letters on a

She's hot, I know

webpage…I know that I’m currently winning 5-4, but that means jack monkey. It’s been nine very long years since I took a French class and I can still speak it better than I can fantasy baseball (however, French was my minor…) I’ve challenged myself to crack this. I love a good puzzle…that’s why I like playing (more like co-piloting) the Resident Evil and Silent Hill games, cause there are PUZZLES.  I don’t like when I can’t make things work. And work well. Don’t put it past me to show up at the gym each morning with a print out of my roster so I can compare it to what’s being discussed on SportsCenter.

Other than a brief period of thinking I was a Yankees fan in college (don’t hate, I didn’t know any better…and I did get to go to a game in Yankee Stadium, which is more than a lot of you can say!) I’ve really never been into the baseball. In fact, I think we need to take a vote on what our national pastime is…cause it’s now called FOOTBALL. But whatever. I’ll make this work.

Speaking of SportsCenter in the morning – is it just me or do all the female anchors have porn star names? Hannah Storm? Sage Steele? Seriously? On that note, one of these days, I’ll have to discuss my love/hate relationship with the women today in sports journalism.

Congratulations to UNC, since no one saw that coming.

 

Because these things will change

Did you  notice the new header? If you haven’t…you should. It’s just a small change, the rest? The rest is coming. Please to be bookmarking http://www.crazylilsportslady.com for your future reference and visits.

CLSL, she’s growing up. *tear* As Bob Schneider would say…it’s the little things separate the good from the great.

P.S. Welcome to day 19 (almost 20) of waiting for the Cowboys to sign Miles Austin. THAT’S RIGHT, I’m still counting!

 

Tip of my tongue

*sigh* I could’ve written this article myself.

Dallas Cowboys’ Romo freed up by T.O.’s release

12:13 PM CDT on Thursday, March 12, 2009

IRVING – Cowboys owner/general manager Jerry Jones believes the release of Terrell Owens will allow Tony Romo to spread the ball around more. Sam Hurd said the same thing the day Owens was cut. “I know it takes a lot of pressure off Romo focusing on one main feature, like Terrell,” Hurd said. “As a guy like him, he demands the ball and it made you want to try to get him the ball. With him being released, [Romo] doesn’t have one main guy, so he can look at every one of us and see whichever one is open on any play and get the ball to him.”

Jones said the decision to cut loose Owens had little to do with locker room chemistry, but he admits it had something to do with on-field chemistry.

When you have a receiver like Owens, quarterbacks cater to him whether they know it or not. He was the target of 140 throws last season, tied for ninth in the NFL. He needs, wants, craves the football and even when he was the intended target 20 times against Washington – whether the passes were catchable or not – he wasn’t happy.

The Cowboys will look to replace Owens’ production by spreading the wealth.

The rest is here.

Seriously.

P.S. Whoever got to this blog by searching “marion barber and tony romo gay” – please don’t ever come back.

 

A whole new world

I’ve given in and joined this thing, Twitter, that all the kids are talking about these days. Basically, I want to follow Shaq like everyone else. If you’d like to follow me (as my first tweet states, I’ll be much more entertaining once it’s actually football season – wait, is it ever NOT football season? – but I’ll do my best) you can do so by adding lilsportslady.

Work is a hot mess as our biggest convention/trade show of the year is quickly approaching, the upshot is that means a week in The Vegas. However, this weekend will begin an overall makeover of CLSL, I’m about to get an actual domain and pimp this thing out. Until then, these are the sports related thoughts of the voices in my head

1. Welcome to day 13 of waiting for the Cowboys to sign Miles Austin. That’s right, I’m a one lady army of unnecessary anticipation even though it’s only MARCH 12. Yes, even *I* know how ridiculous I am. There’s a #19 jersey in my closet that’s fine for now, but at some point I won’t be able to keep it from drowning its depression in the open bottle of Grey Goose.

2. Ain’t gonna lie to you, twas a little weird seeing T.O. in Buffalo garb. It halfway tugged on a heart string, but then I kinda got off on thinking about how he can now screw with the Patriots twice a year. And because I love sports shenanigans 10 times more than anything on Dlisted, can’t wait to see who is the bigger big mouth of the AFC East, Eldorado or J Pizzy.

3. Uh, where was I when Marion Barber was throwing down $14K on a bar tab? 3000 miles away – UNFAIR.

4. “Modano can’t be expected to save Dallas Stars“…WOW, the year 2003 welcomes you, JJT.

5. Does Travis Henry not know what causes babies? For serious.

6. Blessed be the Broncos for causing more drama than the Cowboys.

 

Better as a memory, than as your man

My favorite quote from the interweb so far today?

Does anyone know where TO is selling his “iCUT” t-shirts? Anyone?

Thank you, Animal Mother, from KSK. That made me giggle.

Peace out, Eight-One, it's been real

I am not familiar with the notion of “ask and ye shall receive”, so bear with my twitterpation at T.O. being released. When I said the other day I wanted to give him away for my birthday, er…I didn’t think they’d actually do it, and do it  ON my birthday. I should’ve asterixed that bitch with “and re-sign Miles Austin in the process.” For serious.

I was at my birthday dinner at Beso last night when the first text came in. I almost made a damn scene. Which is hysterical given the fact they were filming the very last episode of The Hills. Lauren Conrad and Brody Jenner were 15 feet in front of us. So if you see some fool of a girl in a pink jacket in the background screaming “OH MY GOD THEY ACTUALLY DID IT” at some point? Totally me. And you can be cool and be like “and I know what’s she’s talking about!” This morning, I laid in bed and watched SportsCenter for an hour. Sorry dogs, I know you need to eat…but Ed Werder is back in Valley Ranch. Must Watch. All Of It. Six Times. These fools on ESPN are no better than Access Hollywood. But can I stop watching it? No. It’s like Britney shaved her head all over again, except I actually give a crap about this.

This is my favorite, “stay tuned to find out the real story behind T.O.’s release.” Okay really? I’m sorry, but if I’m living, breathing and watching SportsCenter at 7 O’CLOCK IN THE MORNING, I know why the frick it happened.

I love that all the draft monkeys now think we’ll go for a wideout with our first pick (2nd round). I’m no expert, I’m just a fan, both a monetary and emotional investor, if you will…and I believe we have bigger concerns. Especially after the loss of Canty, the Kitna trade and cutting Pacman and SS Roy Williams (both well deserved). The focus should be on the o-line and the secondary.  I’m fine with fielding what we got. Make WR Roy Williams the starter and see which kid steps up in training camp as a #2. Everyone is throwing T.O.’s stats around today and yelling about how the other WRs barely produce for what he did/can. I don’t give a rat’s ass. Not after what he did to the locker room…cause the last time I checked, that wasn’t us in the Super Bowl. Therefore, stats mean jack. And I bet we might be surprised when the wealth is spread around the field, not only to handful of capable wideouts (not just focusing on one crack smoker) but also to two very capable TEs. I’m more stressed about playing fantasy baseball for the first time than I am what the Cowboys are going to do at wide receiver. It was time to clean house and for once, Jerry listened to real, educated people and did what needed to be done.

I highly suggest whoever signs him does so for two years, we all know by now what happens towards the end of the second and definitely during the third, if things aren’t going well or as planned out by the voices in his head. My gut tells me Oakland. Cause everyone likes when a plane crash falls on top of a train wreck.