I blame a lot on Patron right now. I’m on a strict no Patron policy for the foreseeable future until I can trust myself again. Regardless, I’m back. Possibly because I’m tired of people asking me why I’m not writing anymore. Possibly because I know I have to do something other than read the Twilight books, eat Chinese food, bake cupcakes, hang out with gay guys and Feng Shui my apartment. See what happens to me when I’m going through football and hockey withdrawals AND dealing with a broken heart? Ridiculousness ensues. Having said that, I’m still cranky. So I’d like to complain about all the things I find wrong with sports during the summer months (including the two months we just lived through):

1. The Lakers. Ugh. Their fans ANNOY ME. Most of all, and I’ve mentioned this before, the traffic they cause during playoffs is the bane of my existence in Los Angeles for however many weeks it takes them to end their season…I pray to God for early elimination. Oh but that’s right, they’re not the Mavericks.  Anyway, I know LA traffic sucks balls every other day of the year. But game day traffic makes my commute home even more unbearable than it already is. Because all these rich ass h0les who live up in the valley are the epitome of fair weather fans and only go to games when 90% of ticket prices are in the triple digits. Between the income loss of the writers’ strike and the cost of the Lakers parade and now the Michael Jackson Memorial…I think I saw the Mayor of Los Angeles selling cherries on a street corner. Every penny counts these days, I hear.

2. Stupid playoff songs. I mean, really? The birthday sex song is painfully lame enough as is, inserting a team name and additional mentally challenged verses into it isn’t going to make it better. Just saying.

3. The NHL playoffs. It never fails that whoever wins the Stanley Cup, I lose. I need to just give up thinking there will be a team in the playoffs that I can cheer for through all four rounds. My taste in teams is much like my taste in guys. They’re amazing during the regular season when it’s all fun, games, drinking and screwing around…but when it comes to playoffs and the time to get serious and committed? Forget about it. It’s just MUCH easier for them to watch it all go down from a distance or on the golf course. Apparently the Stanley Cup and I aren’t worth extra effort. But on a lighter note, we both love champagne!

Now having said that, what was a loss for me was actually quite a gain for the NHL (and a total wet dream come true for Gary Bettman). The Detroit Red Wings playing The Second Coming of Jesus (and oh yeah the rest of the Penguins) in a game 7 on a Friday night on network television. I’d love to know how many times Bettman had to dry an eye or change his pants.

4. OTAs. More like WTFs. It’s like weeks of hot and heavy foreplay knowing you’re not getting any real action for THREE MORE MONTHS. It’s excruciating. Cock teases, much? And what’s that you say? Roy Williams had a few good catches today? GREAT, he’s good at a little over the shirt action, but talk to me again when the clothes come off. Don’t even get me started on the Cowboys draft this year. The sexual analogies I can make with that aren’t very ladylike. And my parents might be reading this. (Mom, Dad…sorry, it’s just my writing).

5. Baseball. I tried it. Turns out I just don’t care. And what’s the point of even trying to care before the all-star break? SERIOUSLY? I’ll go to a Dodger game any day of the week (or a Rangers game if I was home), drink too much beer and have a hot dog…but don’t make me watch on TV and for the love of all that’s holy, don’t make me log into my fantasy team. Cause I stopped doing that almost two months ago. Trying to figure out why no one has asked to trade for my good players yet, actually.

6. The Stars losing their collective minds…again. Since I looked at the Kings two seasons before this last one and thought to myself “hey, THERE is the type of coach I want on my team!”

Ah, I feel better now.